An Insta-Imperfect Life: Confessions of an Instagram Influencer

I don’t want to pretend. I want to break the façade. I want to make something very clear: I do not live a picture-perfect “Instagram” life. And to be honest, I don’t think anyone does, because what you see on Instagram is not real life.

Spoiler alert: You will be seeing two blog posts on this because in my next post, I will refute the very social media shaming I am doing right now, by holding Instagram up into a positive light as an art form. I am presenting both ideas because my mentality on the subject shifts pretty consistently, and one view is emotionally based, while one comes from a more logical perspective. Anyways, as I was saying, I do not live a perfect life.

I do not even live a life that is close to the one I want to live. But I didn’t realize how much I supposedly “didn’t have” until I started really getting involved with the Instagram community a couple months ago, and it showed me all the things I could have but didn’t. It showed me how picture-perfect my life should be. It showed me how popular I could be. It made me discontent in a life that I was perfectly fine with before. In fact, Instagram lately has me wanting to throw my phone in a lockbox for a month.

I don’t know who created this Instagram, picture-perfect, lifestyle influencer image. But the expectation to have a gorgeous acai bowl every morning for breakfast, or always have a candle burning in a clean house, or whimsically walk through a meadow that is realistically full of bugs and snakes is an impossible reality that only leaves most Instagram users feeling inadequate and unsuccessful.

I’m talking the sorts of pictures that are geometric, with a laptop in unrealistic proximity to the coffee, notebook, flowers, pen, and perfect manicure that also had to be included in the photo setting at likewise unrealistic angles. The sorts of pictures where there are no napkins, straw wrappers, or food crumbs on the table. The sorts of pictures where the subject is torqueing their body so much they can’t breathe, to get the perfect gym selfie. The types of “candids” that are way too set up to be so – a plate stacked with donuts, a bowl full of blueberries, a mug full of coffee (or colored water), and a laptop playing a movie, all mysteriously balancing in the perfect positions on the bed, with the subject smiling effortlessly out of the upward corner of their eyes. All of these photos give you a finished product that look like the user didn’t pose the scene, take forty-five different photos, and do ten different edits to get the perfect “candid.”

If you are achieving these images in reality, with integrity, and enjoying it, then I applaud you. But how many of us try so desperately on a daily basis to achieve this unattainable perfection in our lives, only to feel defeated, stressed out, and totally removed from the relaxation and enjoyment that other Instagram influencers seem to have when they do these things?

Let me tell you. You have seen my Instagram. It looks averagely polished, consistent, and put together, right? But I’ll have you know that my lifestyle is far from picture perfect. I don’t have a clean, white kitchen with fresh fruit in a bowl and sunflowers on the table. I don’t have the perfect desk job, where I can dress to impress, drink coffee out of my favorite mugs, or go to work meetings and write in pretty journals. And I don’t have endless money or calories to spend on pretty desserts that look impressive in pictures, or exotic travel destinations and cocktails that make me look adventurous and carefree. I am the farthest thing from carefree!

The Real Deal

My current living situation is this: I live in Kissimmee, Florida, and work at Walt Disney World as a performer. I reside with two other roommates in a crappy vacation rental apartment that is decorated with the utmost distaste and is painted with colors that look somewhere between snot and sweat stains, because that is what my glamorous, low paying, “happiest place on earth” job can afford. I never sleep through the night because of how squeaky my broken metal bedframe is. There is never not rowdy pool party noise right outside my door, and my front yard is made up of the tennis court. I have to travel about 25 minutes to find a shred of nature in this tacky tourist town, which hurts my soul, because I find nature to be one of the most healing things.

My “magical” job at “the place where dreams come true” has so far put all my dreams on hold. My job does not guarantee me any benefits or any hours per week. So every week when my schedule is published with zero hours on it, I have to veg out on my phone, sweating to pick up shifts from other cast members. My ability to make a living and pay my bills teeters on a week to week basis, and how quickly my fingers can type “ME!” on a shift giveaway. Sleeping, working out, going to church, and volunteering bow down to the work schedule I have to haphazardly build, taking what I can get every week. I can make no future plans in my life, because I live a life of total financial uncertainty.

Not a single day goes by where I don’t look in the mirror or step on the scale and loathe my body that I wish I felt comfortable putting in a swimsuit on the beach. So I work out, which despite what my Youtube videos may lead you to believe, I do not like to do. And I try to stick to a ketogenic diet – that means no carbs and sugar, folks. And unlike most fitness gurus, this puts me in an incredibly foul mood, because after a full day working a monotonous job and knowing I have to go back tomorrow, I at least want to be able to eat what I want to make me feel better. As my boyfriend has pointed out, food seems to be my vice – might I add, in a life that is so uneventful that food is something I look forward to because I can’t afford to have any other experiences. Spending a couple dollars on ice cream or a pizza is manageable. Going to the movies, or shopping, or bowling is not.

I feel the constant need to distract myself minute to minute, lest I realize the crushing weight of how monotonous and dull my life feels, and sink into the depression the I know is always underneath. For this reason, the idea of having a regimented health, fitness, and work routine, where spontaneity cannot be a distracting force, stresses me out to the point of extreme claustrophobia and even mental breakdowns that hurt my relationships with others. My addiction to constant change and spontaneity is only indicative of how much I want to ignore a life that I can only wish was Instagram worthy and picture-perfect. Instagram has begun to destroy my image of a happy life by hiking it up to incredible standards.

I know my Instagram looks colorful and polished, and I may look like I have my life together, with my blog, and my Youtube channel, and pretty photos. But in reality, no one really reads my blog (so thank you to you if you are seeing this now – I appreciate you with all my heart!), my Youtube channel gets mediocre action, and I feel defeated every day when I see people with beautiful homes and luxurious travel spots to take perfect Instagram photos in – photos that are way cooler and get way more engagement than mine. I think back to my snot colored walls and my pathetic bank account and feel utterly unequipped with my stifling lack of creativity in the most un-inspirational environment imaginable.

Breaking the Expectation

But why do I feel so inadequate? Where are all these expectations really coming from? Photos behind a glass screen that I can hold in my hand? Maybe all of these “expectations” really aren’t in control of our lives, because what if all of these expectations are really only coming from social media? And then what if half of what we follow on social media is an unattainable lie anyways? Then what are we really striving for? Who can post the prettiest lie? That doesn’t seem like a very productive goal. And why would you want to waste hours in a day posing for and editing a fake photo when you could be out there actually enjoying the life you pretend to have on social media? Is letting others know what you’re doing inhibiting you from doing the things you’re trying to show people you are doing?

My bottom line is, just because I can have a pretty social media appearance, that doesn’t mean that is my real life. I try to think of social media as more of an art gallery, because while I do love to post pretty pictures, I can’t justify pretending that those photos convey my real life. (And like I said, I will publish a blog on this later.) But no, my life is messy, ugly, asymmetrical, and well, REAL. And you know what? That is going to have to be okay. That is where I am right now. And I don’t need Instagram to tell me it isn’t good enough, because I’m already working on my personal goals for myself without the help of the 4,000 other lives I follow on social media. I will make my own goals, and my own fun, and my own time, despite what looks pretty, and which styles coordinate, or which outfit matches the color of my Insta feed.

These last few months may have swallowed my life whole with pressure from the media to be someone I’m not. But as of now, Instagram is no longer the dictator of what I can or cannot enjoy, which colors my photos can be, or how ugly my plain ole scrambled eggs look for breakfast. I’m done with the pressure of picture-perfect aesthetic, unless it is 100% for me, and from a hobbyist standpoint. If a picture gets taken of the cool thing I’m doing, then great. But I’m not planning my day around the photo I’m going to post of it on Instagram. If I disappear from Instagram for a while, you will know why. As of right now I really just plan to limit my usage, and only write and post what I want, when I want, and how I want. It is now my goal to strive to be as real as possible, because I think that is only fair in a community of influencers that invest so much of their time here.

I hope you will stay on the lookout for my second blog post coming that will refute this blog and the negativity associated with social media, by looking at it from an artistic and hobbyist perspective. You choose which side you agree with!

As always, thanks for reading, and share and subscribe!

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