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  • Haley Haskin
    • Jul 17, 2018
    • 13 min read

Life Update: Why I Was Cast in my Dream Show, Had My Dream Job, Lived in the Ultimate Vacation Desti


Looks like I’ve got a lot of explaining to do.

I am not a quitter. I am not apathetic. I am not usually cynical. And I hate laziness. I am a hard worker, an extremist, a perfectionist, and I never give up. Three years ago I founded a dream into which I would place all of this hope and effort bottled up in my personality type: to perform at Walt Disney World. Let me tell you why I gave up my dream, and why I am so much happier now.

The Spawning of a Dream

One late summer day on the campus of WKU, a little nineteen-year-old Haley stumbled upon a flyer advertising the Disney College Program: “Work in the happiest place on earth for a semester! A great resume builder and a once in a lifetime experience!” Boy was I was on board. Fast forward an application, three-step interview process, and a fourteen hour drive down the country later, and I was living a life of pure magic, discovering dreams, and realizing that working at Disney World was what I was born for. I loved every minute of my job. I would go to the Disney parks almost every day by myself, because I just wanted to experience Disney. I would watch the fireworks show Wishes, and listen to Jiminy Cricket on the soundtrack telling my that when I find the dream inside my heart, anything is possible and I’ll never run out of wishes; they’re shining deep down inside of me, where the magic lives. Those words were like music to my ears, as I wallowed in the castle hub grass, loving where I was, feeling so special, and never wanting to leave. I spent my time there believing I was the one, and this was my destiny.

Pixie Dust Wearing Off

Fast-forward two years later. A fresh college grad happily moves back to Disney to pick up where she left off in the completion of her dreams. But all did not go as planned, and you can read more about why that was in My Honest Farewell to the Disney College Program blog. After a total of a little over two years working for the company, the pixie dust began to wear off. I began to see Disney for what it truly was, or rather what it was not. It was not a place that paid my bills. It was not a place that prioritized its cast. It was not a place that was remotely fair in regard to promotions and castings. It was not a place that cared about me. And it was not a place that treated me well. It was a place that took advantage of its cast. It was a place that left me in the cold, pulling hours from my schedule to give to a full-timer at the last minute after I’d spent days trying to pick them up. It was a place that expected me to beg and hold out for simple things that would be given to me without question at any other job, such as a concrete schedule that I’m not required to check on Disney property every 24 hours or be liable for changes. It was a place that abused my status so it wouldn’t have to pay me benefits. It was a place that left me constantly hanging, wondering if I’d get the hours to pay my bills that week. It was a place that had zero grace if I made a mistake. It was a place that was too legalistic to function. It didn’t matter your situation or the reason. Rules were rules for rules, no consideration necessary. And rules that made no sense at that rate. Pardon my French, but in all honesty Disney didn’t give a damn about my career or my well being. So much so that after all the work I put in for them, they were still too snood to give me a letter of recommendation because “they don’t do that.”

Rather than a privilege, Disney had become a thorn in my side. Rather than a place of happiness, Disney became a place I bitterly resented. If you don't believe this total switch is possible, then go ahead and have a look at the rest of my blog and my Instagram. Just see the evolution, how Disney took me from blissful fantasy to misery, as I began to realize the job as a terribly paying, entry level stepping stone and not a career path. Yet in my denial I stayed, holding out hope for the day I would get full time, cast in a show, and finally be treated right.

An Abusive “Workship”

My boyfriend pointed out that I was in an abusive relationship with Disney, and he couldn’t have been more right. When you are in an abusive relationship, you never really know that you are. And the people around you see it before you do. As Disney began to take advantage of my cheap eager labor, without giving anything in return, it began to steal my joy and lose my respect without me even realizing it. I became less and less of the normal “happy Haley” my friends and family have always known me to be. They tried to make me aware of this and advised me to “get out now,” but I persisted in prolonging my time here in the name of chasing my dreams, because that is the honorable and praiseworthy thing to do, the thing you always see in the movies in this millennial generation. I wanted to believe in my dreams, and feel like through this hardship I was earning something great that was worth waiting for (just like the movies). “I know they treat me like crap, they treat everyone like crap, but look how special I am to work here!" That right there is some wishful delusion that they carefully drill into everyone's heads in the first five days of job training so that the pixie dust is slower to wear off. They have to brainwash you first, because the working conditions themselves by no means live up to the magical standards presented in interviewing and training. Well I bought into it, and was convinced that my time would come, that things would get better.

My time never came. This abusive relationship with the Disney company tightened its vice grip on me as I waited … and waited … and waited … and waited, falling in love with my expectation of what I wanted my job to be, while every day hating the reality of what my job actually was. I was holding out hope, continually extending myself towards promotion opportunities because “this time would be different,” only to be hit with unfair treatment every time. It was all give and never take – a truly draining work relationship that messily invaded and destroyed my personal life, and definitely was not meant to be long term.

“This time” was never different. I was good. I was hardworking. I was loyal. But I was never noticed. I was running on a treadmill, giving every mile all my effort, but going nowhere. I began to feel like a performing monkey, just running behind a dangling carrot that was never intended to be given to me. I graduated top of my class with a Bachelor's degree in theatre and dance. Out of a possible total of 10 in performance scores at Disney, I had a 9. I went to every single audition listing and every single workshop, which is more than a lot of performers can say. Every time I came home from an audition or workshop, I felt awesome, on fire even. I had nailed it and this was going to be the time they finally cast me. I knew a little something about what I was doing, to say the least. But every time I was overlooked. Usually people with lower scores than me were cast. I had my name waiting on the full-time list for months longer than some of the new College Program cast members who came in and got it after being on the list for only a few weeks. Seniority didn’t matter. Skill level didn’t matter. Performance scores didn't matter. What was going on here? I constantly felt like Disney promoted and cast people by drawing names out of a hat.

Dreams Turning Into Deep Depression

So I lost the will to work hard. I lost my respect for the company. Why should I be begging them on my hands and knees when they cared nothing about me? It wasn’t worth it. The stagnation of my journey with the company lead to such bitterness, discouragement, and utter unexplainable depression, that at this point, I wasn’t going to be productive in my job even if I wanted to. While I had experienced anxiety and depression before, Disney opened a whole new realm of mental illness that was tenfold. There were some nights I would cry and scream in anger and frustration and plaster myself to my bed as my dear boyfriend would futilely try to pull me up and shake some sense into me. The darkness was very real.

I hated my life. My forever changing week to week schedule had me constantly stressed. I was angry and negative all the time. Nothing made me happy. And I took this darkness out on undeserving people, including my very sweet boyfriend who has graciously stuck by my side still (though I don’t know how). All I did was spread my jaded cynicism throughout my personal and work environment, bringing down everyone else who was on a better journey than me. My dreams slowly began to slip away from my heart, as I realized they were probably never going to happen. And it was out of my control. Coming from the millennial generation where chasing dreams and always succeeding is so popular, this was a blowing realization that I am still grieving right this moment.

Grieving Lost Dreams

It breaks my heart that a dream I placed so much stock and passion in was unfulfilled. It truly is a shame that such a happy place that I’ve romanticized since childhood has turned out to be so bleak. But it turns out that though Disney will never miss an opportunity to treat a guest well, they've missed that step with their cast. And because Disney is too consumed in their ways to give their cast a chance, they’ve lost one of their most passionate, hopeful, and dedicated cast members who is tired of playing the waiting game. A company I once would’ve given my life for, I now cannot be bothered by. You can only put up with being taken advantage of for so long.

The sad thing is I know the company won’t even realize I’m gone. In fact they will be better off without me, because now more performers will have my hours and there will be more slots available in the workshops I will no longer attend. It is nothing but a numbers game in companies that are too large to even know their employees' names. I can only hope that the significant loss in their cast will one day make them wake up and smell the coffee that they need to stop letting bridges burn and value their cast members.

I am grieving as I come to terms with the reality that I will not dance in the Trolley Show on Main Street, or perform in the street party parade, or other shows. But through all of this I have learned that God does not bless things that are put before him. And maybe that is why the right opportunities never arose for me here. Being the extremist and perfectionist I am, it is very difficult for me to find draw the line between utter dedication and idolization. I was perhaps too invested in this dream for it to be healthy for me. I have God-given reasons to believe that He originally lead me to this place as part of his good and perfect plan. But I made a mistake when I began trying to achieve my dreams through pure grit and my own power. When God saw that I began to idolize this dream over him, I think He tried to take it away.

And now, through the gracious conversations and offers from my wonderful friends and family, he has guided me to move back home to Kentucky for what I think will be a year, to save up money working at my old theatre and dance studio. If you are shocked, I am even more shocked. I was always the persistent dreamer that everyone, me included, least expected to call it in quits at a place that everyone knew I was so in love with.

But though moving home is not something I originally wanted to do (for fear of becoming a failing young adult bumming at their parents’ house - it seemed too easy and why should I let myself be happy?), I think God is calling me in this direction so that I have the opportunity to regain heart, and get back to my usual “happy Haley” self after Disney positively destroyed my person. Let’s face it, even if you exteriorly have everything you thought you wanted, you ultimately can’t be productive if you aren’t happy. And let me tell you, the feeling of freedom I felt the other day when I confirmed my decision to move home, and officially took my name off the full-time list, was unrivaled. I didn't even realize how trapped I felt until I took my name off that list, and felt that incredible giggly, unbelievable rush of liberty that I had for once done something for myself and not Disney.

Moving On

I regret to say that I was cast in one of my dream shows here, Legally Blonde, which I sadly had to drop out of. It nearly killed me because I’ve never done anything like that in my life and my deepest fear is letting people down. But my depression is so great that I need to get out now. I’m also sad to say that I will have to leave my new second job at Publix; unlike Disney, they actually treat their team members very well. I will dearly miss volunteering at Give Kids the World. I will be sad to no longer be a road trip away from the beach, and I will definitely miss watching the fireworks in Magic Kingdom – that is one thing that still preserves the small amount of Disney magic that is left in my heart. And most of all I will definitely miss my furry chipmunks and other character friends, and the magic and tender hugs they brought me. It is bittersweet to say the least, and I’ll probably still sob when I take my last steps out the gates of Magic Kingdom. But I know I will be back from time to time because I have decided to keep my seasonal status at Disney, which means I can keep my park passes and come back to work occasionally if I start to miss the job itself too much.

I think this will be a good time to detox while I am around the people I love. I forgot how isolated and angry I felt all the way down in Florida. Now, I will have people to go to when being a young adult is very hard and I feel upset. Now I can wear a sweater in the fall and not worry about sweating my skin off if I step outside on Christmas Day. Now I can kiss oblivious tourists, tacky souvenir shops, and horrendous tourist traffic goodbye. Now I can be with my little sister and help her with homework while she is still in her high school years. Now I can be only four hours away from my twin sister and her husband instead of fifteen. Now I can cherish my relationship with my best friend before she moves away next year. Now I can snuggle with my very cute dog because I don’t have to pay a pet fee to experience furry love. Now I can feel supported by my family as I get on my feet financially and finally start to make a sizeable dent in my student loans. Now I can spend Thanksgiving and Christmas at home while I’m still unmarried and have no other obligations. Now I can take dance classes for free because of my amazing new job that pays me doubly well. And now I can finally turn off my dreadfully irritating Facebook notifications because I don’t have to beg for shifts every Saturday, or constantly look for roommates and apartments in a life that is way too mobile for comfort.

I want to close with this: I love Disney. I love Disney world. I love Disney movies. I love Disney music. And I thought I loved being a Disney cast member. That is why this decision has taken such a hurtful toll on me. Maybe there is still a possibility for me in a different position within the company somewhere down the road. But right here and right now, I know that this is not the healthiest place for me, and I need to see what else I can do before I agree to close myself into this box again.

In regards to my blog and my Instagram, you may still find me posting new photos of old experiences or of my occasional trips that I'll still take back here. And I still have a few Disney bucket list/Buzzfeed style blogs in my head from a guest perspective. So my Disney social media presence will not totally disappear, but I will start focusing largely on art and lifestyle media, as that is what I will be most involved in in the coming year. So to my Disney Insta community, thank you for your following and I hope you will continue to follow my personal profile. And to the friends that I’ve made here at Disney, thank you for being beacons of light in the darkness, lifting me up with your kindness even when the company as a whole was tearing me down.

I will be making the bittersweet move back to Louisville at the beginning of next month, so for those of you reading this late, that is the first week of August. I’ll be starting work at my dearly beloved arts center soon after, and perhaps getting a second job on the side because I’m a workaholic like that. I will also be more than happy to meet up with all my old friends to catch up! Wish me safe travels and hit me up for hangouts, my friends. I’m coming home! This has been a life update. Thank you for caring, or not caring … but thank you for reading.

P.S. I took the Cast Member bumper sticker off my car today. And it feels really dang good. TO DRIVE FREE! WITH NO TELLING LABELS!

 

**UPDATE**

I just want to thank you guys for the continuous support and outreach to me after the initial publishing of this blog. I am honestly blown away by the constructive feedback I’ve received from people in similar situations in and outside of Disney. It truly means the world for you to share your stories with me, and I feel honored to think I've maybe helped with coping or made an impact for you. After the outreach I've received, I feel even more that God is blessing and prospering the direction He is pushing me in. Praise the Lord, for He is good! "Commit to the Lord, and your plans will be established. The Lord has made everything for its purpose ... " - Proverbs 16:3-4

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