Sunday Devotion: God’s Provision

I have a story to share in which God used a very silly situation as an opportunity reveal to me an important truth I needed to hear.

As I took my seat in church this morning, I quietly scanned around the room full of God’s people. People who are broken and don’t claim to be perfect, but chose to be in that place today because they know that God supplements their deficiencies and that deep in our hearts, we all need saving. My heart was filled with joy as I looked at a room full of people who eagerly put faith in the same God I do. People who agree upon his sovereignty and goodness the way I do. Being the independent and ambiverted person I am, it is sometimes hard for me to understand the value of fellowship the way the Bible frames it. But I had this sixth sense today that I didn’t necessarily have to converse with the people around me to feel their love and dedication to the same God I worship. There is an unspoken community woven in the church that stems from a common interest in salvation and a greater purpose. Before the service even started, tears were already pooling in my eyes as I simply sat and experienced the unity and strength and goodness of being in a room with other believers. Though they were all strangers to me, I felt comfortable, joyful, and at home amongst my brothers and sisters in Christ. I experienced my sadness and frustrations from the last few days fade into the background in the presence of something that felt much more powerful.

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew‬ ‭18:20‬

​That is, until I looked back and saw who I was certain in that moment was my ex-boyfriend. Oh, the drama. Maybe it truly was him and maybe it truly wasn’t (lately my eyes have been rearranging others’ facial features to look like him without my consent - I think this is some weird reverse defense mechanism caused by some overwhelming dread, which I publicly acknowledge I need to deal with, but right now, not what we’re talking about).

Whether it actually was him or it wasn’t I don’t actually know. But after recently discovering that he cheated on me while we were still dating, my heart quickly plummeted into my feet at the notion of seeing him again. Though it may seem silly, it was monumentally paralyzing for me.

I wasn’t exactly setting out to be immature here. It’s just that I have already closed the door on the whole idea of him. I’ve already called him and made peace with the fact that he betrayed my trust very deeply. Put simply, he really hurt me and I didn’t want to reawaken feelings I’d put behind me, or undo any of the healing work that time apart from him has helped me with. I think you can forgive a person without needing to see them again and reopen that door. Maybe I’m wrong.

The escalating joy I felt in the moments prior vanished in an instant as it was replaced by fear, anxiety, and embarrassment. After my refreshing walk through the church doors this morning for the first time in two weeks, Satan was doing a beautiful job of alienating me in my father’s own house.

The shaking feeling that I was sitting in the same room with the person who I no longer knew how to interact with poked and prodded and begged for my attention the whole church service. More dread surfaced when I remembered that at the end of the service we would all stand up and walk the center aisle to take communion, and I would very likely come face to face with him.

This single thought, I’m embarrassed to admit, kept me distracted the whole service. I could barely listen to the sermon for entertaining my nagging worry, and rehearsing how I would manage to take communion without bumping into him, or at least how I would play cool if I inevitably did. How was I letting something so small get the best of my whole morning? The anticipation only increased my anxiety as the dreaded communion grew closer and closer and I listened less and less.

Finally, the time came. The communion slide came up on the screen, the ushers came down the aisles, and I was already planning my escape to the bathroom. (I know it all sounds so ridiculous. But in the moment the fear was REAL!) That is when the pastor made an announcement that in all my times attending this church, I had never heard before. He invited us to stay in our seats for today’s communion. They were doing something different today, where the ushers would instead bring the trays to us.

Surely, it was too good to be true! An immense relief washed over my body, eradicating anxiety from every pore, rooting out fear from every crevice, and replacing it all with humility. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Clearly this was meant for more than coincidence. I mean, this had never happened before in all my times I had been to that church. What was this small subtle gift, that in that moment seemed like the world? Baffled, I searched God for meaning. I racked my brain for answers. Then God spoke clearly to me:

“Don’t you know that I will always provide for you? You spent all that time worrying when you could have been worshiping. Stop trying to fend for yourself. Trust me. Your life is in my hands.” Well, then. God showed me. I wouldn’t be sharing all of this if it didn’t attach to something more deeply rooted in my life, nor do I think God would have seized the opportunity to come down and share a random truth with me if He didn’t judge that I needed it. In this last week, not uncharacteristic of a twenty-something-year-old, I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety and worry about the success of my future. Surprise, surprise. I’ve lately been hit with a deep wanderlust – a homesickness for the rest of the world, if you will. I have a deep fear of being forever alone and never clicking with the love of my life. I have a deep suspicion that I am plain, boring, and haven’t done, seen, or learned enough. I have a deep regret that I’ve already spent too much of my life immobile. I have this deep yearning for expanding my knowledge and experiencing culture that is not of my origin. And all of this is colliding with the fear that I will never have the time, money, opportunity, company, or – the most scary of all – the drive to seize any of these desires. I was reminded today of God’s provision in a time when my yearning, aching heart needed it most. And of all things, He decided to make this truth known to me in the stupidest, silliest, most high-school-level maturity situation! God caught me in a time when I felt completely vulnerable and stripped of my dignity. What better time to get me to listen? Not only did God expose some harbored anxieties that I need to fish out, and rearrange. He showed me his provision with a tiny, inconsequential blessing that did no more than spare my dignity in a tiny moment of time. But as I saw that small blessing casting a greater reflection over the rest of my life, it meant so much more. Our pastor mentioned today (the little bit I did glean through my ridiculous unwarranted panic attack) that God does good work, but He also has a big sense of humor. Well, I can personally vouch for both of those things. Let this crazy little devotional be a reminder to you that God works in big and small, silly and serious, and always unexpected ways. After all, what kind of God would he be if He were predictable? “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” 2 Corinthians 9:8 “Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!” Luke 12:24

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