Life Updates and Lessons in Faith

I went down to my office to write this blog under the cozy glow of my firefly lights, and was greeted instead by the stack of boxes and piled together furniture I had forgotten I’d packed. So I am going on writing between gray walls of empty nails, because even though the mood feels sad and my life feels wildly chaotic, I believe it is important to carry on. And I think that might be the theme of this whole blog: Striving through the mess, with a trust that it will be worth it and good.

Life Update

My husband and I are moving to Cincinnati. Based on complications with him working remotely, and us being totally sick of long distance, we feel this is financially the best choice for us right now. We have been praying about the situation with open hands since July, and though the evidence of our wonderful, cozy, artsy, and friend-filled lives here in Branson screams at us not to go – and sometimes make us feel like total idiots for giving it all up – we believe that God is willing us to do this and intends to bless the process. In fact, He has already demonstrated this.

If you had asked me this summer how I felt about all of this, I would have spat back an aggressive remark leaking of the opinion that Cincinnati is disgustingly drab, boring, plain, normal, and has zero opportunity for a performing artist like me. Especially compared to the colorful, nature and opportunity-filled Branson, where all my memories and friends have been for the last four years. I was in my prime resentment phase.

In the following months, I can’t say my opinions of either town have yet changed – probably because I have yet to live in Cincinnati … I truly hope it’s not that bad, and because God is involved, I have faith contrary to my opinions that it won’t be. Also, Branson will never cease to hold a very special place in my heart. Sure, I may have moved eighteen times before I ended up here, but this is the first place I have lived for more than a few months since high school. It is stinking hard to make friends as an adult, and here on year four I felt like I finally nailed that. Not to mention all the other things I love about the place: the nature, the performing scene, the wineries, Table Rock Lake, the buzz of the tourism mixed with the quaint small-town feel. There’s truly nothing like this strange little town where you can live your performing dreams and still prioritize family and stillness. No, my opinions of these places have not changed. But I can say that my heart and mindset have.

Spiritual Lessons

This has been a year of spiritual focus for me. A year of “I’m sick of letting the smallest setbacks throw my emotions for a loop and send me cascading into the deepest pits of depression.” I wanted to start fresh this year. To stop being so negative. To broaden my perspective on what matters. I knew I wanted to be able to look back on my life and be proud that I devoted time to the right things, not regretful that I ate up every ounce of my time just trying to make myself indulgently happy in each tiny moment. I wanted to truly learn through experience that life is not all about me, but I didn’t quite know how yet.

Why did I want all of this? Because although our society boasts the benefits of self-love, self-prioritization, and living how you see fit, the way I was living wasn’t happy or fulfilling. I was left wanting more – a revival in my life. And I started to get the notion that I might need to shake up my career to get myself out of this rut. Basically, I didn’t know how performing benefitted anyone but me in the long run, and I started to feel selfish and guilty about it. I more fully realized that my purpose on this earth is not to make myself happy by gratifying my temporary desires, but to share the love of Jesus in every way I can, and to help the lost and hurting souls of this world know that there is a Gospel story that can save them like it has saved me. I didn’t quite know how I was going to do that yet, but I kept telling God I wanted Him to use me how He saw fit and that I was giving myself to Him as a vessel. (Foreshadow: Never do this if you do not want God to accept your offer).

Well, I got to know God pretty good this year. I learned about His character. I learned about my character. I learned about the ways I try to be the god of my life when I shouldn’t. I understood Bible verses in new ways. I really started to wrap my head around how God literally designed us to function as His children, abiding in Him, and giving Him total reign of our lives. I learned that what He asks us to do is not as unnatural as it may seem. I was starting to feel pretty dang spiritual, when along walks this life-rattling opportunity to put all that knowledge, faith, and claims of obedience to the test. Cincinnati.

Learning to Trust Completely

I’ll spare the details of how often I’ve cried thinking about leaving my Branson life behind. There has been a long period of normal grief. But I think the strangest thing about this whole decision to move is that it has yet to send me into that recurring unshakable depression that so many other adversities if my life previously have (whether they warranted it or not). And I mean, this sucks! It really stinking does! I’m leaving my twin sister, my dear friends. I’m leaving a world of endless dancing opportunity. I’m leaving so much. So what is the deal? Why am I somehow so okay?

I've deduced that it is trust. It is the trust I have that God has got me, no matter what. Does this time feel so different to me because it is the first time I have truly trusted God with my literal whole life and entire future? The first time I have not held onto even one small thing? The first time I have not given Him the things in my left hand but saved the things in my right? The first time I have not bargained for at least some tiny ounce of control? It may be. Because I have never felt a trust this sustaining.

Child-like Faith

Remember when you were afraid to jump in the pool as a kid? Your parents were standing there in the deep end with their arms open just waiting and calling your name. And you were so scared because you didn’t know if you would sink to the bottom, or get water in your nose, or make it right into their arms. Maybe you ran to the shallow end and took a few safe steps in instead. Or maybe you sat on the edge and slithered in and made them run up and grab you as you started flailing. Or maybe you just had the faith to jump, and they caught you in their gloriously trustworthy arms, and you swam around that deep end with them for the rest of the afternoon, knowing they would never let you drown.

That is what this feels like. I feel like I am standing on a cliffside with no safety rails, ropes, or harnesses. I am being asked to step off the edge with the faith that God will catch me in His hands when I jump. But the difference between this time and all the last times is, I am not trying to scurry down the side of the cliff all carefully. I’m not trying to hold onto the edge as I gingerly tread off with one foot and make sure His hands really are there. I do not have a backup plan in case He fails me. No. I know He is there, and I am jumping.

Right now, as I await the day I step foot in Cincinnati, I am jumping. Because I know without a doubt that He is going to catch me. I know because we have talked about it daily in prayer, and I have faith He will bless this decision. I have seen signs of Him working good things together for my future already. I haven’t landed yet, but when I do, I know it will be in His arms. And I know He will bless me because He promises He will.

This free-falling flight on the wings of faith – one that could previously make my stomach drop – no longer feels so scary or dreadful. It feels as free and as powerful as flying on the back of a trustworthy dragon to an unknown destination. I can enjoy the glorious ride, trusting that though I don’t know where I am landing, it will be good. I can do this because I know God is at work, constructing the tapestry of my life, as I’ve finally given Him full permission to. I wouldn’t have it any other way because I know that He knows best.

Faith Cycles

This crazy leap has put me in a sweet spot of faith. It is like I am in the middle of the ocean, and I have nothing else to hold onto but God, so I am finally realizing the absolute completeness of His provision, the goodness of His plans, and the sweetness of trusting in Him. Only He is needed to keep me afloat, and that delicious reliance on Him gives me comfort and assurance like nothing else in this life can give. I think the ride of experiencing God’s provision forms this cycle of faith that came to my brain one night. It looks a little “textbook,” but this is how I have seen faith working in my life lately. (I’m sure there is room for variables and many people’s situations might be different.)

1. We experience God’s provision first because He loved us before we loved Him. He had mercy on us and sent His son to save us from eternal suffering without us doing anything to deserve it. He provided our salvation and a way towards eternity.

2. We put faith in the God that promises to give us all that we need because He calls us to and has demonstrated that He is good and fulfills His promises to those who abide in Him.

3. This trust produces admiration and obsession for God, who perfectly fills in our blanks with His unblemished moral character and tender fatherly love. He feels like the rightest thing in the world.

4. When filled with this faith and admiration we may feel led to take a leap of faith when called to do so, based on our good past encounters with God’s faithfulness and deliverance.

5. When upon that leap of faith God provides for us yet again, our faith grows even stronger, as we see more past evidence of His promises being fulfilled in our lives.

6. The cycle starts again with a bolstered faith, and stronger admiration for God, and even more willingness to take that leap of faith the next time. Each time the cycle repeats, the closeness to God becomes greater, and our faith becomes stronger. Though there may be difficult moments of adversity along the way, overall, it is an upward spiritual spiral of God delighting in our trust in Him, and us delighting in His perfection, goodness, and provision.

*Disclaimer: I'm not insinuating that we only take leaps of faith when we are sure of the outcome, or that we should only trust God in hindsight. That wouldn't be faith. But rather because we are certain of God's good character and consistency, we can trust falling into His will in the uncertainty of any moment, because even though we don't know the details of the end result, we know that obeying Him in faith will produce fruit in us and a closer relationship with our Father.

Evidence of God’s Provision

I have already seen evidence of God’s blessing over this decision to move in a couple areas of my life. One of my biggest fears about this whole move was that I would never be able to perform professionally again. After a few months of prayer, God silenced my worry of several years by handing me a job I was in no way, shape, or form expecting to get. I’m so happy that for the first few months in Cincinnati I will be understudying in A Chorus Line at an equity theatre in the city. All that worrying was for nothing.

Similar small things have happened here and there that lead me to believe we are taking the right path. Still whenever I begin to have my doubts if this is the right decision, God comes back with another “yes, it is.” I am so grateful that He is present. He is listening. He is meeting our abandonment with provision as we come to Him. God is faithful.

Prayer Requests

If by any chance you are still reading this, please know that I am still struggling with some aspects of this move. But it is nothing God couldn’t put a hand in on if He chooses to. I will put some prayer requests below.

- I am still struggling with some resentment towards Joel’s workplace at being inflexible with remote work and requiring our family to drop everything to relocate. I pray for a heart of forgiveness and perspective towards the people involved.

- I pray that I may have the knowledge, boldness, and discernment to positively impact people for Christ in this new environment where I feel small and unknown.

- I pray that I would make quality friends as quickly as is naturally possible, and that I would find some sort of special thing to love about the city that makes me feel at home.

- I pray that we would continually remember to seek God’s will in our new lives, never giving into the illusion that we are in control.

- I pray that I would seek God’s strength and perseverance, never succumbing to the grief of leaving to the point where I become useless and self-pitying.

- I pray that I would be able to give of my time and my heart to maintain the long-distance relationships I have in Branson.

Practicing Gratitude

Until we make the big move, I have to say I am so grateful for the quality time I did get to spend in Branson performing with my twin sister and so many other wonderful friends. We are not even promised tomorrow or our next breath. For these last four years to have been so full of goodness and colorful opportunities has been a gift I can never take for granted.

I am grateful that we found out this news as early as we did, so that I could have time to process and grieve among my friends before I am whisked away from it all. I am glad that my goodbyes to this town could be long, and cherished, and sweet. I have seized few seasons of my life the way I have these last six months.

Finally, I am grateful that God has provided us both with jobs and a house to live in when we get to Cincinnati, and that He promises to be with us always as we embark on our future.

Lessons in Faith

All in all, I don’t believe you have to like God’s plan to obey it. I’m choosing obedience because I know God’s way is the best way. When I hear Him call, how could I ignore His nudges? I don’t think it wise to brush off the master of the universe. It’s not that I think a loving Father would strike me dead if I went my own way. I just might have to figure out a few more things the hard way if I did, and my path may not be as aligned with His wisdom. As much as I “want that,” I don’t truly want that. As much as we would like to eat dessert all the time, it may not produce much fruit in our lives to do so. I think sometimes you have to eat your spiritual broccoli. Though it doesn’t necessarily taste good going down, you feel good later and it makes you stronger in the long run.

This leap of faith is like that. It is uncomfortable. It is new. It is shaking up my life in ways that I don’t like. But the risk that I am taking in leaving everything behind is bolstered by the faith I have that God will provide. I know He will. Because looking back on every situation in my life, in some way shape or form, He always has. And He promises His children that He always will. Whom shall I fear? What have I to worry about if I am abiding in a God who is good and who keeps His promises? Though this move is taking away from me everything I know, I will not despair. It will be good because God is good. I can confidently say, without looking back, that when the Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing (Psalm 23).

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? - Romans 8:32

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! - Luke 12:24

The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. - Psalm 34:10

For the word of the Lord is right and true; He is faithful in all he does. - Psalm 33:4

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:23-24

And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise. - Hebrews 11:11

“The Lord is Near! Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation with prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7